Where is G-d?
I can not remember any time in my life that I did not believe in G-d. Not one time. However, there have been times when I really did NOT want to believe.
Holding my lifeless first child in my arms. I didn't want to.
I actually didn't speak directly to G-d for over a year. I couldn't. When you aren't speaking to somebody, you actually feel their presence even more, so my plan of ignoring G-d didn't work out. G-d was still there, waiting for me.
A very dear friend of mine attempted suicide when she and I were teenagers. I remember going to visit her every day while she was in hospital. I remember riding the train downtown in Chicago to go see her, which took an hour. The entire hour, my questions to myself was, “What can I say to her to help her hold on? How can I keep her company in her pain?”
With suicide, the wish to end ones life is really a wish to end the pain. That desperate, painful deep feeling of wanting to take ones own life. I think many of us have felt that way. There was a powerful quote I heard once that said, intelligent people all consider ending their lives at some point. It is painful and intense, this life.
That space. That dark painful, helpless, desperate space. When one feels they just can't go on any longer. Right underneath that pain, the devastation, is a space. That seemingly empty broken vulnerable space, just underneath...is the divine.